How The Frack Do I Play
Is your friend secretly a cylon? If yes, it's time to test their endurance for public humiliation in a QUELF CHALLENGE ROUND...and if they succeed in galloping around your house to the theme of 'Chariots of Fire' then present them with a towering display of JENGA where their dexterity and balance remain on the line just long enough for a moral dilemma of hypothetical attractiveness in the face of escort service to come barreling down ON THEIR CONSCIOUS....BATTLESTAR GALLACTICA...THE GAME...
Setting the Mood
Battlestar Galactica must be played inside a tent and/or pillow fort, or any other structure that is safe from potentional assaults by rape-y animals, and with proper security protecting the players from said rape-y animals.
- 1. Set the food and fuel dials to “8,” the morale dial
to ”10,” the population dial to “12,” your nerd dial to "5481," and your self-respect dial to "0."
- 2. Place the eight vipers and four
raptors in the “Viper and Raptor Reserves” space and the fleet token on the start space
of the Jump Preparation track. Last, place all other tokens
(facedown) and plastic ships near the person wearing the most paisley and/or gingham..
- 3. Determine First Player: Play one round of bananagrams; the winner goes first.
- 4. Going in the order of most community-relating, each player chooses a character .
- 5. Distribute Title Cards:
The President title is given to the first available player in the following list: Laura Roslin, Gaius Baltar, and Tom Zarek. You also get to shuffle the cards, take a Quorum card, and have four Scruples cards to make people uncomfortable with later.
The Admiral title is given to the first available player in the following list: William Adama, Saul Tigh, and Helo Agathon. BONUS: two nuke tokens and a Quelf card are yours to play anytime.
The pilot receives six "jumbling tower" blocks to throw at other players.
- 6. Set Up Loyalty Deck: whatever way you want. Do you really care that much?
- 7. Set Up Other Cards: Shuffle all the cards and put them in separate piles closet to the largest animal in your home. Do the same to the skill decks and place them face down next to that giant animal as well. Make sure the decks match the colors on the game board. Or something like that. Place the Kobol Objective Card faceup next to the Destination deck, whatever the hell that means.
- 8. Receive Skills:
Each player, except the starting player (because the first born always gets screwed), draws a total of three Skill Cards from among any of the cards. The starting player does not receive Skill Cards now (again, because you have to make all the mistakes on your own and your stupid younger siblings always benefit. assholes.), but will draw Skill Cards at the start of his turn.
- 9. Create Destiny Deck: Deal two Skill Cards of each skill
type facedown onto the “Destiny deck” space on the game
board and shuffle them thoroughly.
- 10. Set Up Ships: Place one basestar and three raiders in
front of Galactica. Then place two vipers below Galactica and two civilian ships on top of the "jumbling tower."
Object of the Game
All human players win the game if they travel at least eight
units of distance, jump one final time, complete a Quelf quest, and a game of ZipIt with a Cylon.
All Cylon players win the game by preventing the humans
from reaching their objective. They usually accomplish this
goal by running the fleet out of a resource (food, fuel, morale,
or population), but can also win by destroying Galactica or successfully invading
Galactica with centurion boarding parties, completing a Quelf quest, a game of ZipIt with a human, and WATCH THE "JIGGLING TOWER" FOR TWO MINUTES without reacting. Like a robot. Not like this guy.
1. Receive Skills Step: Collect your skill cards.
2. Movement Step: The current player may move to a different
location. If he/she/it moves to a different ship (from Galactica
to Colonial One or vice versa), he/she/it must discard one Skill
Card from his/her/its hand/claw.
3. Action Step: The current player chooses one action to
perform. Options include the actions listed on his/her/its location,
character sheet, and Skill Cards.
4. Crisis Step: The top card of the Crisis deck is drawn and
5. Activate Cylon Ships Step (if necessary): If any are in
play, Cylon ships are activated according to the Crisis Card
6. Prepare for Jump Step (if necessary): If the Crisis Card
has the “prepare for jump” icon on it, the fleet token advances one
space up the Jump Preparation track. If the token reaches
the end of this track, then the fleet jumps.
Pick One Action
- Activate Location: The player may perform the action
listed on his/her/its character’s current location.
- Skill Card Action: The player may play a Skill Card from
his hand to perform the action specified on the card. Note
that not all Skill Cards have actions on them.
- Character Action: The player may perform an action
listed on his character sheet. Note that only some character
sheets have actions listed on them.
- Activate his/her/its Viper: If the player is piloting a viper, he/she/it may
activate it to move or to attack a Cylon ship, and throw a "jumbling tower" block at someone he/she/it doesn't like for some reason.
- Title and Quorum Cards: If the player has a Title or Quorum
Card that provides him/her/it with an action, then he may
perform it during this step.
- Loyalty Card: The character may reveal one of his “You
are a Cylon” Loyalty Cards to perform the specified action
on it. He then follows the rules for revealed Cylon players
on page 19.
- Drink an entire beverage while everyone throws "jumbling tower" blocks at him/her/it.
- Take a shot of shitty whiskey and get slapped in the face, ya big jiggly pussy.
When Things Don't Go Your Way
- Spend 7 minutes in "heaven" in a confined space with a rape-y pet.
- Text a non-present Yalla and take one giant swig of your drink for every 5 minutes he/she/it doesn't respond (max 1 hour).
- Challenge any other player to a lightning round of Zip-It or one-handed "Jumbling Tower."
- What does a jiggly pussy look like? We don't know. Draw it 3-D.
- Pick one of the following buzzwords. Everyone must drink every time that word is said, and you drink twice: open, roll, why, what, turn, you, me.
Each escape can only be used once per player, except the last one.
"You win the game, by, like, doing it. If you really wanna win, just, win." ~ Hassan
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